[Side note: This entry is an extremely personal reflecton & touches on eating disorders. In spite of it's personal nature, I'm reluctantly leaving comments open. I'm asking in advance, please don't invalidate any of my feelings and tell me to feel otherwise than I have already expressed. I try not to do that when someone says they feel a certain way. Keep in mind, as I've said before, the words that I feel are all part of my weight loss experience.]
Ok I know I said I'd tackle this next week but Eve, Marta and Mel's comments to 1000 words all brought tears to my eyes & made me want to get some stuff outta my head.
The first point by Eve:
The bad thing is the way women look at each other. Finding EVERY flaw. Categorizing each other as "beautiful" or "fat and gross." Not being able to appreciate the natural differences between each other. Embracing one single view of beauty that Hollywood foists upon us - the unattainable ideal of perfect skin, perfectly shaped breasts, and thighs that don't touch.
In the last week or so I've been engrossed in various celeb gossip blogs. I can't afford to splurge on the weekly tabloid & b/c I go to the supermarket so early, there's no line for me to pass the time in. Besides, the blogs tend to have the juicier gossip so this is how I've been getting my fix.
One day, after seeing tons of pics of skinny Nicole, they posted a pic of Kate Beckinsale and said she looked great. A few days later, a slow news day I'm guessing, they had another pic of Kate bending over on the beach. They called her fat.
In that instance, my heart broke, as I realized, as women we can't win for lose. There seems to be this magical, mystical unattainable perfect weight and if you are 1lb over you are fat. Fat is now a slur. And I felt so bad as I realized the criticism will never stop.
One of the reasosn I brought up the Kirstie issues of what size she says she is, and posted the pics of these super skinny girls is not to lash out @ them per se, but the messages the media relays when they glamorize & demonize these people.
Mel said
but posters - if we had 'acting' - or 'it girl' careers which would mean we had chefs and trainers, would we not look like that also? Or pretty close to it?
Mel, I'd like to believe if I were in that amount of limelight, I'd be the positive body type image person. Relative to Hollywood standards if I must be 2 or 4, I'd like to be toned vs bones.
I think that's why I go outta my way to detail what I do here. When I quote something or post about why I do certain things, I try to back it up by posting links for people to read further info for their own benefit vs. being vague and coy. I want to be realistic.
That being said, in my family, @ least the women, when we are stressed we don't eat. When I went away to college the first time I lost 20-30lbs. A few years ago a bad relationship had me @ one point fitting in a size 10 and by the end of the month I could put on my size 8 tight flare jeans w/o unzipping them.
I've read Nicole is under stress and not eating, so I can relate to that. But one negative side effect I encountered from that was, people would shower me w/praise on how great I looked.
When I see the pics of the super skinnies, it's usually followed by a "They look great in that dress". It starts off all worried that they are skin & bones, but the following day they'll be in another picture wearing a couture dress and getting rave reviews.
Which brings me to what Marta so bravely said this morning
The after pictures made me think of myself as a high school senior. I didn't eat hardly anything for 4 months (with the aid of methamphetamines), and I lost 50 lbs. I was 98 lbs., probably more than these girls weigh, and you could see all my bones. Let me tell you, I was popular overnight.People interested in fitness may think they look gross, but these girls are probably being praised for getting that thin. I know I got validated for my anorexia with tons of attention.
Two weeks ago when I was immersed in these sites, one afternoon I was about to eat my lunch when all of a sudden I had no appetite. I kept thinking of how thin they were, how frumpy and fat I felt in comparsion. I was no longer hungry. Oh I still ate, but it was ½ hearted.
Later in the day, same thing. My normal eating time would come but my brain kept saying, You're not hungry just don't eat.
Now consider this, I have never had or considered indulging in an eating disorder. But for that instant, I briefly saw how one can start. It's really subtle and the funny thing is, I know eating disorders. Not so much personally but from the media. And not once did I ever relate it to me. I've seen super skinny women on TV and never related them to me. So what was the diff between my past experiences and last week?
Nicole Richie.
As a black woman, for some reason, seeing her in that state really affected me and w/o knowing it or even trying to, it gave me such a warped opinion of my body type that for a day I just didn't want to eat. The next day I felt a *tad* better and by Friday I was back to normal. But those thoughts have been haunting me. B/c if could impact me, a grown woman, who has had nary a thought of purposely not eating. Me, the one who's into researching fit & healthy, coming to terms w/losing slowly, what on earth kind of impact must this have on teen girls?
And I bring up the black thing for a reason.
When I went to college and dropped 20lbs from stress, I was working @ the Gap. When I came home from break all my white female coworkers told me how great I looked. The black guys were like, you look like a crackhead. Being a girl, naturally I listened to the men and of course gained my weight back w/the quickness, but those two contradictory views have never left me.
In the media, as much as I rave about Hilary Swank or Jen Garner or Jessica Biels bodies...culturally I relate more to the Beyonces. I used to watch Girlfirends on UPN, not anymore b/c it comes on when I need to go to bed, and after the first season one the girls got super skinny and it bothered me. Eve had also gotten super skinny and it bothered me too. But b/c I don't watch those shows as much as I used to, I just pushed it aside.
When I watch Friends and see a super skinny Jennifer Anniston, it just rolls right off my back, but those back to back to back pics of Nicole Richie touched a part of my psyche so deeply next thing I know, I didn't want to eat.
Which brings me back to what Eve pointed out and a little to what Oprah's show touched on earlier this week.
I regret, and I'm very guilty of this myself, that as women we (collectively) are so hard on each other. We (collectively) are the first to belt out that someone is fat and now that these girls are super skinny, we (collectively) will be the ones to be hard on them too.
It hit me two weeks ago, before Oprah said it, but when I saw them, I thought rather than focus it on weight, the real question should be: What's really going on?
Rather than me wanting to know what Kirstie Alleys dress size "really" was, I should have been wondering, How much can she bicep curl? or How many miles can she run? Truth is I don't give a damn about her dress size as much as I wanted her to be forthright about her size and not be coy about it.
When I went to see my mother over Xmas, her first question to me was, so how much weight did you lose? Not how many pushups can you do or how are the jumping jacks coming along?
The minute she asked how much did I lose, I felt like eating. I then did in fact eat and came home a tad heavier and less enthusiastic about working out, despite taking all my workout gear w/me.
I now believe in asking the "What's going on?" question even more after seeing Oprah. B/c what I now see in the super skinnies, and the 420lb guest, and myself, is that being extremely over or underweight is not about lbs and food.
I am not overweight solely b/c I had poor eating habits and was sedentary for years. My weight has been a shield & barrier. When I saw a pic of Mary Kate going into rehab, my first thought was, What kind of pressure must she be under to do that to her body as a consequence? I thought the same thing when I saw the 420lb guest on Oprah. What kind of pain is she dealing with to be eating her problems away?
And I see it in me on the days I choose to look clearly, the things I'm trying not to deal w/the pain I'm suppressing and stifling the words left unsaid the problems I'm avoiding are ALL a consequence of me eating my stress away while hiding myself.
Back in January I chatted w/my mom as I started this weight loss process yet again. I rambled that I just couldn't get why I wasn't losing I worked out, I tried to eat right...what gave? What she said, was so on point, that I pretended I didn't hear it. I actually changed the subject and brushed it off.
But she said, "Maybe you are eating b/c you are lonely and using food as a form of companionship."
And for that brief second when she got me, as she always does, I realized if someone would just address what I'm dealing w/in that respect, the weight will fall off.
I know this entry is all over the place, I've been sitting on this for over a week. I've written 5 pages of thoughts and just couldn't piece it together. Yesterday I was yiming w/B and was able to bounce most of this is off her (thanx girlie) and am grateful for all your comments to 1000 words, b/c it really helped me put into perspective what I was trying to say.
But even rereading this trying to edit it into a coherent entry is making my eyes water so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I'm also un-pinning the discussion, your points of views have been very interesting to read. It's now time to let that entry fade into the archives b/c frankly seeing those pictures so prominently on my site is starting to make me ill.
Comments: 16
05.20.05 | Nikki commented: Wow, you have such a great blog! This entry just shows how many layers there are to the whole body/weight/health/fitness thing. I can so relate to the black thing also. My husband loves my boobs. I know if I lose weight they'll go down considerably. Would he stop loving me then too? Just thought about that.
05.20.05 | marci commented: great post renee.
unfortunately, it starts way earlier than the teenage years. my 7 year old daughter deals with food, image, and male attention already. this week, she has asked to wear a dress every day because one of the little boys in class was teasing another little girl because she was a little heavy and had short hair... calling her a "boy". the little girls in her class fight each other for the attention of these boys daily (sitting by them, getting the boys to talk to them, etc). its sad really. as much as we can try and teach our children the right way to act and accept others, once they are in school.. its a different world. she, at this very young age, has dealt with a eating disorder. she was sneaking food and using it as comfort for some emotional problems we are/were already aware of. when she gained a lot of weight from it, and started to be teased at school for being "fat", she then stopped eating unless we were standing over her. i think she is now at a happy medium, but all we can do is try and teach her the health values of food, etc. self esteem and the lack-of starts very early.. and kids are very mean when you are one that doesnt "fit in". i believe it all starts there. 
05.20.05 | Melanie commented: Renee, I applaud you that you can be so open about your thoughts. I too at times become engrossed with celebrity photos and my body image goes down the tubes when I have no hope of looking like Jessica Simpson etc etc. I have felt for sometime that losing the 100 pounds I'd like to lose was important but more important was the fact that I needed to get healthy. How far I can walk before my endurance poops out is more important than how many pounds I lost last week. We all deal with body image in our own way and it's a shame that so often we validate our worth by what we see in the mirror. Thanks again for saying here what so many of us have been thinking!
05.20.05 | dg commented: absolutely fantastic entry... i really love your blog and you are so articulate withyout thoughts 
05.20.05 | Mel commented: If we all stopped buying those damn gossip mags where one week its fat celebs and the next week its too skinny celebs then maybe we'd stop being so negative towards each other.
I also think that if we had those kinds of careers that someone that loved us (either our families or friends) would stop us from becoming stick figure girls. And we'd be tone fit girls instead. I hate the way the media portrays women. And I'm sick of waiting for the body of a supermodel to turn up in the mail. (I put my order in a long time ago). 
05.20.05 | krista commented: Great post...you said it very well.
I think today's extreme weight (super skinny vs. obese populations) is deeply rooted in our use of food for emotional reasons. Most people don't become 89lb. simply because they wanted to fit in a dress, nor does someone become 490lb. because they just like chocolate cake a lot. We, as a society, use food as a means of control in our lives--we think the thin have "more control" while the obese have "less control." It's an unfortunate thing.
05.21.05 | eve commented: This is such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your feelings, and helping so many of us put words to our own.
05.21.05 | Crystal commented: Awesome post Renee. I had it out with my DH the other day to tell him *again* how much I hated it when he would tell me - when I am thin - how he is so much more attracted to me, etc., etc. I told him that I wanted him to love me unconditionally and that when he said things like that it makes me feel like, "F*** you" and never lose the weight.
I've also told him a million times that if he wants to have dessert (a real weakness for me, not only weight wise but I am hypoglycemic) to have it and not ask if I want some.
I've been wanting to get a home gym (my son is not using his so it wouldn't cost us a thing except for the labor to move it) and he has found 15 different excuses to not get one.
There are so many issues surrounding why we are overweight. I was in therapy for 2 years trying to sort some of them out. For me, my fat has always been a layer of protection. I grew up in a sexually abusive home and at some point early on, I guess I was 8 or 9, I decided that if I was fat, my step father wouldn't mess with me. It didn't work, it just added an additional level of abusiveness.
I'm 45 years old now and there have been several times that I have dumped the extra 50 pounds I'm carrying around. But as soon as someone notices, particularly if it's a man, I lose all motivation to continue to lose and keep it off and end up back at square one.
So I think that for me, to have the extra weight means that people, for the most part, don't pay any attention to me and I guess that's what I want. Maybe even with my DH.
As for my DH, I will say this, I've done Jenny Craig, WW (3 times), some plan with a doctor (involving glandular supplements), Atkins, the Zone, etc. I've spent money on videos to exercise with and got sucked into a gym for a year and he never said a word. So I guess outwardly he is supportive, but he doesn't help me much with the emotional part of it. In his defense, he probably doesn't know what to do or say to me but I figure if I told him what I wanted from him 1000 or more times, he should get it by now, right?
I don't know where I'm going with this except to say that I've been doing eDiets BFL (book) this past week and I feel so much better. DH and DS2 are on the way to son's apartment to pick up the home gym. I'm joining Curves on Monday.
This time I'm going to do this for me.
05.21.05 | Delores commented: You had me in tears because I have never been able to put my feelings in words like you and its true my weight gain has alot to do with my brains I am losing weight now because I have changed my thinking I put on ALOT of weight after not during my pregnancy I had my son a few years ago when I did not feel atractive and I found out my DH was using porn to gratify himself instead of me and I spent many hours I know wasted hours going thru his magazines telling myself if I find just one only one picture of a woman who look like me with breasts after breastfeeding and stretchmarks then I would not feel so bad but I never did and those nights when I got up to find him in the other room instead of confronting him I will eat at all hours to suppress the hurt and pain I felt knowing that he prefers a picture to the real thing but now after therapy and compliments from attractive men friends I have changed my own thinking and DH and I are still together but I am more confident and happy because I am making myself happy day by day by focusing on me and looking in the mirror and appreciating myself and I am not comparing myself to anyone in any magazine ever again I can only be me, no one else
05.21.05 | Wendy commented: Renee, this is sure a mouthful! And you (and the commenters) are revealing how the weight issue cuts so many different ways. To piggyback on those commenters above whose husbands threatened to leave them, or complimented their thinness to get them to stay thin... one thought is, our poor husbands! What is the right way for them to react? If they applaud us, it pisses us off. If they ignore it, it pisses us off! And I don't say this to be cute at all.
When I lost 43 pounds on WW, I felt conflicted with the reaction I wanted from my husband. On one hand, I craved his praise for the hard work and the results of it. On the other, I felt like, he couldn't praise me *too* much, or it would cast a shadow on our intimacy while I was fatter. Not to mention add pressure to stay thinner.
I am fortunate to have a very gentle, nurturing husband, so he seems to do a pretty good job of finding a good balance. But the poor guy has his work cut out for him!
And, if I could just touch on one other thing you mentioned - people asking you how much WEIGHT did you lose, that's all they care about, the numbers (weight, clothing size). This thought was rolling through my head today on my walk. When I lost a lot of weight before, I took both pride and shame in telling people I had lost 43 pounds. I had more to go - that was the shame - I've lost 43 and still look like *this*! But the pride overtook the shame, and I would tell people.
This time, I'm on my way again. I've lost 14 so far, but except for here in cyberspace, I don't want people to know my numbers anymore. I don't want to share that. It's private, and hey, why all the fuss about that anyway?
I may be overtaking your comments. sorry! thanks for the truly thought-inspiring post.
05.22.05 | Moody commented: Thanks for this post Renee. You really give us stuff to think about.
You're amazing.
05.22.05 | La commented: I know you don't know me, but I'm the Ring Manager for one of the webrings you signed up for, and while looking for the code on your site (which I can't find, but that's another issue! 
) I decided to peek around your pages.
I want to say that you really need to know that you're not alone. I'm not black, but I do tend to look latina - so I've been told - and while the medical industry would like me to believe that 150 lbs is perfect for my height and age, I've dated latin men who tell me that if I lost just 50 pounds (which would put me at 210) that I'd be a knockout. I've dated black men who love my body the way it is, at a scale-tipping 260. And I've had white male friends who told me that if I could only drop to 120, I'd be perfect. 120!!!! Personally? I can't imagine myself under 220 (since that's the lowest I've weighed since junior high) much less under 175.
I work with a girl who is a size 2. My best friend is a 6. Both of them complain about how "fat" they are. Wanna get my goat? Wanna piss me right the hell off? Look at me, 100 lbs overweight, and tell me that your anorexic ass is too fat. That will surely set me on fire. 
I don't begrudge anyone the desire to change things about their life based on what they consider their own inner flaws. The things about themselves that they want to make better, based on their own ideas of what needs improvement is what I'm talking about here... not based on what Nicole Richie or Hilary Swank or Jennifer Anniston or Jennifer Garner look like. To put it this way, the public view of the personalities of these people leaves quite a bit to be desired - so why long after their "look"? Because of all the other things in our own personal environments that make us... the comments, the clothing, the food, you name it... right along side our own inner desires to find some level of "perfection" in ourselves.
No, I'm not attempting to invalidate anything you've said... in fact, I can completely see where you're coming from. I think most people can, actually. But I do think that there's more to it than what Hollywood and the media as a whole puts out there that drives us mad about our own issues with weight and the quest for "perfection". I think it's almost too easy to blame the media, the clothing catalogs (Lane Bryant doesn't even sell size 12 clothes, yet 99% of all their models are size 12 or so... ask me how I know THAT one, because I do! Same with The Avenue and Fashion Bug "Plus".)
There's more to it. It's our own inner demons. Demons that for sure, are influenced by our outside environment... but our own brains add fuel to the fire more often than not. The years of name calling I've endured (I did mention that I've been 240 or higher for all but 3 months since junior high...), the years of trying desperately and then giving up, only to do it all over again... and again... and again... and... you get the picture, the people I personally have chosen to surround myself with (I'm the fattest person I hang out with)... all that has nothing to do with the media. But it's all a huge part of what makes me make the choices I do, be they good or bad.
I do have to say that I have a fantastic feeling about you. Just in the little bit I've read (a few posts), I can tell that you're serious about not just what to eat and when to work out... but about finding your reasons, your motivations, and everything in between. Let me tell you, you're much farther ahead than millions of other people at this point. And you should be proud of that.
Best of luck to you, chica. And let me know if you're having issues with that webring code! 
05.27.05 | Matt commented: Wow. I was searching the net for a recipie for granola and ended up here and I am touched. Now, first I would like to say, I am a young man (20) and I am skinny (120 lbs). I do not have trouble keeping my weight down (only up...).
Having said that, I am really touched by the honesty you all have with the world and with yourselves. I have never really empathized with "fat" people before as I have never been overweight. Reading your blog has really opened my eyes to some of the issues you deal with. I have been of the mindset that any one who wants to can loose weight, and they don't because they are lazy or don't see the need, but now I see it really is difficult. I have always theroized that if I was in your position, I would just start eating right, exercising, and working out and be me again. I do that stuff now, although I gain more weight from it than I lose, which is a good thing btw...
I guess what I am trying to say is I never really put myself in your shoes and thought about why you may be overweight. I never thought that a compliment here and there or a word of encouragement to help you along would help. I also never really thought about how my brother and I poking fun at our younger cousin's eating habits might not be good for them.
All and all, thank you for opening my mind, and stay encouraged. Also, you may not belive it but prayer changes things, and God can help you in your journey to lose weight. I will pray for you.
PS. To the women with the non/semi-supportive husbands, although I have not been married, I am still a man, and men often don't know what women want, so don't be supprised if your man does not respond how you expect him to. I also would reccommend being honest with him about your feelings, and of course to do that you have to be honest with your self. Just some thoughts. Remember I have never been married and I am only 20 so I could be wrong...
05.28.05 | La commented: 
I think I'm gonna cry...
Renee? You helped us all change the thoughts of ONE person.
ONE.
And he? Will most likely go and change the thoughts of at least one more.
God dangit... I love the internet.
*hugs* girlie... and thank you for your comment, Matt. I know this is Renee's blog - but you touched ME too. Thank you.
Note: Comments are now closed. Please use the contact form to leave a message.
Renee, this is so sympatico. I've been going through the exact same thought process for days. The Oprah show gave me a jolt as well. Using food for companionship, oh I can understand why this is making you tear up. There are layers upon layers here.