Still pondering things, you know I really wanna tackle the latest Lindsay Lohan news, but she'll keep, besides by the time I'm ready to editorialize her situation, her crisis managers will issue a press release stating, it was all a dream.
Ok, it's almost lunch, and b/c I don't grocery shop midweek, the next two days I'll be fast fooding it, safely of course. Subway seemed like an easy place to go when all of a sudden I realized, I forgot the perfect ordering system I designed for how I wanted my subs to be made. Then I flashed back even further and remember how I'd harangue the sandwich artist with my requests. *sigh*
Thinking back to what I wrote earlier this AM, perhaps my super tight anal (o my) ways of late, is in direct proportion to how out of control other things are. Stick w/me a bit...
W/o getting into too much details, my finances are sucking BIG TIME! I try not to think about it too much, but it's always in my subconscious. So as I work to get a handle on the situation that is out of my control, I try to control what I can and stuff what I don't want to feel by recreating another pain that I know will go away. A pain like, a stomachache.
Back in my SIMS addicted days, I did something similar, b/c all the news of late was so heartbreakingly sad, every single night for about 2 weeks, I immersed myself in their world. Mainly b/c it was fun, but there was an element of being able to control people and make things the way I wanted it to be. A disconnect from reality that I got addicted to.
One thing about me, I tend to know when I'm going to far w/something. Most times I step back to see how far I'll go or to just let it run their course, but I'm the type of person that doesn't like to be boxed in w/a label. Like I was never going to become the Queen of Sims, I knew I'd tire of it and just wanted to get it out of my system. But @ the time, it served an emotional purpose.
Now comes December, when I feel like everything financial is about to hit the fan, still feel that way today if I think hard enough, and I turn face first to food. Yet, while I'm dulling my emotional pain w/a physical one, I'm also lashing out, through my control, @ the servers.
Not lashing out being nasty to them, except for the doof newbie I didn't want making my sub, more so, I just wanted things precise. I didn't write about it here b/c @ the time, I was a bit crazed and didn't quite grasp how bad I'd gotten, but I'd get really really upset if just one thing was off. I mean real upset. (this is exactly why I don't do yearend recap posts, remembering what I did, the person I was just 2 weeks ago, mortifies me)
If they put the onions on in the wrong order, I'd eat the sub w/an attitude. If they were out of lemonade, the rest of my day was ruined. I needed things to be exactly as I wanted them to be and heaven help the person who fugged it up.
Wow, I'm not quite sure where all that came from or what it really means, I mean I know, but I don't. I do know today, in addition to the dread & worries, I'm feeling scared. I wish I could be super girl when it comes to weight, not for anyone's sake but my own, where the lbs melt off like speeding bullets, I have no issues that cause me to eat or not eat and I'm just in the zone.
This is gonna be a hella hard year, which in a way is fine. It wasn't till 12/31/05 that I realized how badly wanted 2005 to end, In order for me to be a better me come the end of 06, I need to confront this stuff. And that's what scares me.
For some illogical reason, I feel that the moment I do, the instant I get to the heart of all that is going on, how I truly feel about things, my life & people in my life, I'll break into millions pieces. Literally.
So instead, I just graze the surface. I do a teeny bit of improvement. Just enough to patch myself up and move on.
I have many quotes last year about feeling the fear and doing it anyway. As anxious as I am of late, a part of my brain has my workout routine firmly in sight. No matter how bad things get or how overwhelmed I feel, I plan to just stick w/it. It's also why I'm able to put on my chief motivator hat and maintain the fatfighter site. Not to be a hypocrite like, here's this girl eating out of control, yet posting diet tips that she herself isn't following. It's more that I hope the consistency, the repetition of positive things, though done for others, will seep in for me as well.
These band aids keeping me together won't hold much longer. They simply can not.
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One last thing, as I edited this post, I added this section and something came to me:
(this is exactly why I don't do yearend recap posts, remembering what I did, the person I was just 2 weeks ago, mortifies me)
When I say mortify, not enough to take it down, b/c I ultimately feel this site is a documentation of my personal growth and no matter how many times I've feel I've arrived, I still have a long ways to go to get to where I want be emotionally be. but I do appreciate the development b/c it always amazes me how day in/day out I feel like nothing is going on w/me. I feel stuck and today, I'm feeling like a different person than I was two weeks ago.
It's like the hellacious file I am still downloading, another reason I was in a rush to get back online last night, I got up to check it this AM and "only" progressed by 6k. I was bout to suck my teeth, hard, when I thought, "Before I left for vacay, I had over 700k to go, today I have 100k."
Part of the problem w/the download is just like w/my weight. I keep looking @ the fact that I was still downloading. Never mind that every day I'd knock out about 40k, I still had a long ways to go before I got to the end. As the long ways got shorter and shorter, my expectations adapted to match it. Rather than say huzzah I hit the 600k mark, it was like, DAMMIT I still have freaking 600k to go, forgetting how awful 700k felt. Like losing 2lbs a month, it seems painfully slow, but overtime it added up.
Even today, seeing 100k, didn't mean, "Holy moly, I'm almost done". Last week I actually started getting a bit sad that one day the download will be finished as I've based much of my existence since Halloween on the fact that I am downloading something. I felt like when I'm done, then what?
Which is EXACTLY how I felt@ some point last year about my weight, that I'd spent 4 years "losing" weight and wondered if deep down was I sabotaging losing it b/c when I finally lost it, what else would I have to strive for.
*sigh*
Just some of the many things that come to mind when there are no cats to tend to.
