I was one-eyed peeking @ the pudge pics, hard as it is to believe, I don't look @ them when I transfer them to the computer, I *see* them b/c they are in front of me and I must crop them down to size but I have a very detached way of viewing them. The other night, fresh on the front page and before I had a chance to get my selective eyesight in place, I saw them for real.
I can see a bit of diff between the day 1 back and day 94 back. I thought I was making it up that my black pants were starting to fit looser but I grudgingly admit, there is some reduced pudge in the abdomen/hip/buttocks zone.
It's quite hard for me to be overly enthused about being 187, don't get me wrong, I'm way happier than being 194, but the thing is, I was 169. It's gonna take many many many more weeks to go by for me to be genuinely cheery about my weight.
I'm happy, but it's reserved. I s'pose it's why I've been looking for my victories elsewhere. The slack fit in the thigh is a good one, or if I can get 4 buttons closed by day 120 that'll be huge.
I don't want to take away from the progress I'm making b/c I know it's better to go down than up, but until I get to my mental magic #, all weight loss enthusiasm till then is very measured. Plus, having done this for um, well, a few years now, I'll hit a downward trend then creep back up, so while I'm looking @ 187, I guess till I hit goal, there'll always be a part of me that is clinging to hope for dear life, praying that this day won't be the day that starts the spiral back to gaining weight.
It also doesn't help that when I discuss anything remotely health related to the mother, she breathlessly asks, "So did you lose weight?" I'm eating ground flax Mom. "So did you lose weight?" I eat 3 servings of broccoli w/my frozen dinner Momma. "So did you lose weight?" Guess what mommy, I'm a big girl now, I had Brussels sprouts! "So did you lose weight?"
I just can't muster up the oomph to declare, "Why yes mother, I lost 7lbs and am now 187" to which she may reply? "WTF? You are one hun-da-red and eight-tee seh-ven poundsssssss????"
(gawd spelling out the #'s exactly how she'll phrase it).
But I think I may now have my comeback answer. When she, and she very much will, asks "Did you lose weight?"
I'll reply, "I ran walked/ran 20 miles in one week ya kno!"
And if she says, "That's nice dear so how much weight did you lose?"
I'll reply, "I ran 1.5 miles @ 3mph on Wednesday" and when she says,
"Uhhh Huhhhh, good to hear lamb chop but are you losing weight?"
I'll reply, "My cat's breath smells like cat food" and have myself committed.
Comments: 5
04.12.06 | Renee commented: 
TINA w/o a doubt you were my hero from that group and as I wrote earlier, one of my sources of motivation so 
I am so sorry to hear that, I don't even know what to say. I hope you conquer both battles and would be very happy to hear from you again in the future. I have your email so I'll touch base with you offline.
Thanks for writing and please tell Jillian...in case she stumbles upon my site too...all the things I said was purely in jest...
..she does scare me....but I lurve her devilish ways too 
Take care!
04.12.06 | Tina commented: Believe or not it is me the one the only Tina from blsa. 
I was searching the web for things about our show and I came across your website. Absolutely loved it even though you addressed me as the black woman, what's up with that????? 
Email me off line because as you say you have my email address and I will provide you with all the proof that it is really me!!
04.12.06 | Renee commented: I know you just found my site, so you don't much know the history, but I have really REALLY bad reception on my TV so when TBL had text on the screen I couldn't read it.
I even went to the web but they didn't have pic next to your name, it was either a group shot with everyones name, or stats with no names.
Plus I missed the first show, so I didn't even hear your name. It took till almost 1/2 way thru the 2nd show and it was you who said your name and I was like TINA!!! up till then, well you were affectionately called the black woman...
04.13.06 | Dawn commented: First things first - Hi Tina!! So sorry to hear about your new battle. I wish you strength and courage and hope that you will keep us posted.
Next - Renee...
I can sooo understand your post today. A few years ago I was able to drop 30 pounds. Over time I gained 25 back. The diet I tried was too restrictive, I went through some fun emotional stuff and the weight crept back on. I went through a "why bother" stage where I didn't want to try again because I didn't want to gain again.
Well I've re-lost 20 of those pounds and I'm feeling stronger than ever. I remember where I was mentally when I let it go last time and I'm in a much better place now. I don't feel like this is torture. I don't feel like this is a diet. I can see myself losing right past that magical number down to a new low.
I think I really started enjoying the weight loss more once I hit 15 pounds. At that point I started to drop clothing sizes and I stopped comparing where I am with where I used to be...and I started to enjoy the progress more...
So let's go Renee!!! You can do this!!!!
Dawn
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Renee,
I am Tina aka the black woman 
from the biggest loser special edition navy wives vs marine wives. Your articles are quite cute. I really enjoyed how you addressed me as the black woman on your blog 
on a lighter note the show saved the black woman's life. I found out after the show that I have breast cancer and my battle of the buldge has now taken on a new life of it's own. Keep up the good work!!
Loved what you had to say about me!!