189.4lbs

"Take a deep breath, count to ten, and tackle each task one step at a time." - Linda Shalaway

So this AM, I'm in the gym before her. When she entered, the first thing she did was turn off the A/C. Considering I was sweating like a stuck pig, I got miffed. It's not even that she turned the temp up so it took longer to come on, she turned it OFF.

I'm thinking, Hey, I was here first. When I leave, the gym is yours to do as you wish. How can you come in and just turn it off? You just got here Janie Come Lately.

I mean it's almost like me watching TV and she reaches for the remote and starts flipping the channel. In such a tiny gym, there's an unspoken rule: if you come in after someone, whoever is there first pretty much runs the place.

For as long as I've been going there, that dynamic works well, if someone is there before me, I watch what they watch, take the machine they aren't using or before I do something that infringes on their space, ask if they mind if I do such and such. Most people show me the same courtesy.

So what do you think?

In a small community gym do you think it is first come/first in charge and you adjust your needs till they leave? Or if you were the latecomer, do you feel you have every right to change the TV, adjust the lights and or control the A/C, as if the other person is not there, to suit your needs?

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level." - Dr. Joyce Brothers

I beat her this AM. But something happened I'll post about later to see how y'all would handle it.

In recent months I've been contacted by a range of interesting people which always makes me wonder, "Dude, how'd you find my site!?!?"...anyhoo, I just got a note that AOL is having a Beach-Ready Boot Camp. On it you can find streaming workout videos. And while my workout schedule is quite booked up w/various challenges and whatnot, I almost peed myself when I read this part:

former professional boxer Michael Olajide, Jr. will teach you some boxing moves and jump rope routines to give you a sleek physique for the beach.

I recently started hunting for jump rope routines as I wrote up a rough draft of the next 3 weeks worth of workouts. Once I complete that block, the final 2 blocks are gonna be hell. If I can get Michael's routines added to the mix, my hell just got that much hotter.

Part 2 in the series of how Madison Avenue solely exists to piss me off.

Victim #1 - Commercial for technical/trade and/or medical school, perhaps an all of the above educational facility. 3 girls, one spies another w/lots of bags, presumably she went shopping. Bagless girl inquires "Did you win the lottery?" Baggirl stupidly replies, "No! Better! I went to [insert school name here]"

Come

Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

Man, yesterday morning was a close call. I had just arrived in the gym and was toggling the TV to a station, w/my broom handle (the remote has been disappeared) to a station I wouldn't mind watching for an entire hour. I barely settled on Nick @ Nite when I heard the door slam.

It was that girl from a few weeks ago. I KNOWWWWWWW she was pissed……she stopped short when she saw me. And just as I predicted, the phony cheery hello from a few weeks ago turned into a scowl. To which I gave her my patented fake smile/grimace/eyeroll and promptly hopped on the treadmill.

We'll be battling for the treadmill and it's a war I plan to win. Her seeing me again will only mean next time she'll try to get down there earlier. Last time I saw her it was towards the end of "Who's the Boss". This time it was about 10 mins into the show. So I must get down there when the show before it starts.

Yes it'll mean I'll have more time to fritter away in the AM but I can get some other things I tend to do in the afternoon/evening out of the way, or go back to bed. :shrug: Last 2 weeks she missed me so she prolly thought I was a fluke if she sees me again she'll know it's on and now that I know she knows, I can't be dilly dallying in the AM.

When the alarm goes off I tend to sit in bed in a slumped over stupor waiting for the fog in my brain to clear out. Not anymore. I'm now going to start sleeping in my gym clothes, ♥ rate monitor and iPod already strapped on so when the alarm goes off, I'm out the door in a bolt.

Speaking of dunzo, the fine folks over @ mastercard have decided to run a contest for a spot on those sometimes funny/mostly corny priceless ads.

Your resident smart ass has decided to enter the contest for a chance to win one of those prizes. She hopes she doesn't get arrested for her antics.

I'm just sayin...

For years on end I've been paying down on this card. I never thought this day would come.

It didn't feel like my puny payments, even the times I started going above minimum due was making a dent. But slowly, steadily consistently, they did. Month after month, I did my small part, sent in the minimum + 10 bucks. I didn't stress the interest I was racking up. I didn't fret on sending more money nor did I pay down every two weeks as some financial whizzes suggest. All I tried to do was keep the habit going till I was @ the point that I could do more.

[Side note: The -$15 meant I overpayed a wee bit. What can I say? I was overeager to be done w/it. I had them transfer that $ over to the next card I have w/them. As of now the balance on this card is ZIP!]

I can't help but to see the similarities to my weight.

"Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts." - Rita Mae Brown

Note to self, when earbuds repeatedly fall out, do yourself a favor and check to make sure the L is in the left ear and the R is in the right ear. *sigh*

My godson is here. I had to break the news to the kid that I am in fact his godmother. "You are?" He asked incredulously. Yep.

::rubs palms::

Now I get to infect his nubile mind w/my dirty-hippie-peace-on-earth-love-your-fellow-man point of view. Sweet.

His father, my cousin, whom was deemed the devil incarnate when we were kids is also here. Lord I've got my work cut out for me.

Then there's my mother. She is waaaaaaaaaaaay to eager about my visit next week. I wonder what on earth she has in store for me? Why is she so gleeful about getting me in her clutches? Methinks it's chores. So long as she doesn't plan to cook for me, I should survive.

"It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life." - Elizabeth Kenny

The proof:

I blocked out everyone else IPs and shortened the screen so you can see my last comment on 4/21 vs. today's comment vs. "Anna".

Here is the podcast about the episode. That's all folks, I'm so done w/this. In the podcast, 24 mins long/5MB, I meant to make it a two parter, but since I have no desire to drag this out past today, the whole deal in one large file.

More than anything, I'm irked that as of Friday I'd washed my hands of the entire mess and put it out of my head only to have it dredged back up for another damn week. In the podcast, sorry I'm talking so fast, I just finished working out, plus this thing has me amped w/emotion. As I recall certain details, I sound stressed, but I'm fine. One final thought to "Anna", why a married man w/a 10 month old baby wants to read my weight loss blog and why would he create a fake email address in a woman's name, send me an email Sunday night and first thing Monday morning leave a comment on my site, repeating what was said in the email is beyond me. I don't pretend to understand anyone beside myself so hey, keep reading, it says more about you than me. Or don't read. Meh.

And to my gentle readers, mostly the women, Oprah had a show today that was awesome, I may discuss it later, but what I wanted to highlight was the point she made that as children, we are more sensitive and intuitive than we'll ever be for the rest of our lives. Then the world beats it out of us.

My entire life, but the last few years especially, I've made it my personal mission to get that part of myself back. It means I think a lot, it means I pay attention to signs, it means when warning bells go off, I acknowledge them. It means when my very first thought is that someone is suspect, I listen.

People say any and everything, but it's what they do that matters the most. Hell even I do the word play con game thing when I'm not being str8 w/someone, so I don't pretend to be all wise and better than anyone. All this recent episode illustrates, and trust me, I am so grateful for it is, I know things. I always do and it's okay.

It's okay to be looked @ as weird or crazy or different or paranoid or mysterious if those vibes save me in the end. The old me would've berated myself for making too much of this and who knows where this rabbit hold would've led. Actually, I kinda do, I went thru this w/the last guy I tangled w/despite getting similar signs w/in the first week of meeting him, including the recurring bad dreams I mentioned in the podcast.

For a split second, yesterday's email from "Anna" made me doubt me, I'm proud that didn't give in just to make someone else feel comfortable. Especially now that I know "Anna" to be the same person I was suspicious about who is now pretending to be a random concerned woman berating me for being so suspicious. Does anyone else see the folly in that beside me?

I always like to believe I'm over something or have grown from an experience then when it happens again, I get all flustered and make the same damn mistake. This time, not only have I learned the lesson, I got it right. For me.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

OH MY GAWD!!

For future reference to stalkers...when you stalk someone online, please mind your Ps and Qs.

"Anna Sun" you played yourself...I know your IP...I have your IP...Your name is not Anna or Sun...nor are you a girl. If I had to call it, I'd say you are the stalker.

This is almost too comical to make me upset anymore. The funny thing is, something about the comment and the emails I got, just didn't read right. The email that came in yesterday PM was suspect. The comment this AM seemed even fishier. Lo and behold, I know exactly where that IP comes from. It's very likely your initials are A.W. with K in the middle.

So my bullshit detector?? It's as sharp as ever.

Beat it.

Seriously dude. Scram.

PS I'll post my proof later, and if you never listened to my podcast shows before, listen to todays, should be up around 8pm EST...it'll be a doozy!

I have pretty good food karma, missing key ingredients aside, anytime I go out to get something to eat, I almost always get free food. A guy I used to kick it w/accused me of flirting, but even women give me food. And not cuz I was a chub looking like I wanted more even @ my skinniest. Perhaps I looked hungry? Or that I was very chatty, charming even, but going to a fast food restaurant, I either get my fries super sized, a small order of nuggets added, a dessert thrown in, something. And it's not cuz I had to wait super long or they were substituting. So weird.

"If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind begins to haunt you all the time." – Chogyam Trungpa

189.8lbs

"When in doubt, tell the truth." - Mark Twain

Back in Jan/Feb I was on a mission to get a new laptop for my momma and that project didn't go over too well. To put it nicely, I paid a few people before I should have and ended up losing money in the deal. It sucks but meh, not totally unexpected. I guess.

Unfortunately each step depended on the paid sign ups going thru and by losing money, I didn't have it in the budget to pay other people to take their place. Plus the company got all strict on the rules and made it harder for signups to complete offers and they also put a 90 day time limit on the whole process giving me till 5/30 to get all 20 people and as it stands today I have 3. So I'll eat the loss and just say that the project is off. I've come up w/something else to give my momma in a few weeks, my company!, so it's all good.

But then I still had the shuffle I was going to giveaway for one of the laptop signups. Even that had a glitch, as the same company took extra long to ship it so I was worried they'd renege on the deal, but they didn't and about a month ago, I got it.

I wondered what the heck am I gonna do w/an iPod and a shuffle? I mean I don't need both so I was going to do a giveaway on this site, and hinted to as much here and in an earlier podcast episode. But then, as w/most things, a few events happened that made me change my mind.

"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently." - Agnes DeMille

Availabilty
Cashew nuts are available year-round. They are sold "raw" and roasted, salted and unsalted, and in bulk or vacuum-sealed jars or cans.

How to Select & Store:
Cashews spoil quickly at room temperature and should be refrigerated. If refrigerated in a tightly sealed container, they will keep for six months or up to a year if frozen.

"If you want a place in the sun, you've got to put up with a few blisters." – Abigail Van Buren

Watching O today I realized I'm handling my current irritation all wrong. I'm being vague and coy and by doing that, I'm giving this person way more power and I'll be goddamned if 1 and ½ years @ this site is going to be erased by a chance meeting and a time span that amounts to a blip of time in my entire life, so here's the whole story and being that since I posted my latest entry. I haven't heard from this person, I'll take it as a sign that they'll continue to read...I hope they enjoy reading what I really think about them.

This all goes back to last Friday's entry.

On Monday CG stopped by again (my positive memories of the encounter may be a bit soured now, but I just had a flashback to something else) CG wanted me to do some web design work for people he knew, I'm not too thrilled to do it due to too many bad experiences, sure I need the money, but the hassle and drama isn't for me, plus I have my own online pursuits I'm working on. Still, I gave him my portfolio and that had my phone # so he could contact me if he wanted to.

Over the weekend, my cousin was in town and between catching up on sleep and hanging w/him, I didn't turn on my phone, I actually don't turn on my cell phone much anyway. Monday I had 4 messages and figured 1 was from my mom, 1 from my aunt, 1 from someone else I knew, leaving the 4th message which could have been from CG.

I won't lie, I've been thinking real hard about just scrapping this site. Mostly b/c I feel skeeved out that someone I don't want to read it, is reading it. So I've been waffling back and forth. I can "pretend" I don't know, but I do. I can be all like, I don't care, but I do. I find myself self censoring even more and cringing and recent posts and grateful that I didn't tell the full story to most things. And that's no way to blog, @ least not for me. I can set up another domain, but I rather like this one. I can keep it strictly weight related, stats, what I ate, what I did, and keep the personal entries off site, another folder perhaps, password protect that one and only let peeps I virtually know read it, but that seems silly.

So I'm stuck and when I'm stuck, I don't much feel like writing, so I'll be offline for a bit, not forever, other updates will continue as usual, but up till Tuesday the vibe around the site has changed, and in order to continue, so must I.

Juice – as is cold from the fridge,
Milk – must have ice added to it,
OJ – must be poured over ice in a separate glass,
Coke – must be ice cold from the freezer, preferably with frozen bits floating in it,
Water – room temperature please. Thank you.

I'm not gonna belabor the point that on this my public blog I don't want people in my private life to find it. That's pretty much a given when you post anything online. I accept that.

I also accept that if you tell a person, "If you happen upon my site, please don't read it," humans, being curious, will find the temptation to snoop far too great. Fine. But if that is the case here...if someone in my private life has found my site...after I told them last week if I wanted them to know, I'd have given them the URL...after I told them I'd rather them not read it...they still decide to read...well...the message you said you didn't see...here's another one:

Do not bring up anything you read here to me. Matter of fact, if you truly found the URL...I do not want to know. Do not hint @ it. Do not allude to it. Just pretend it's not the case. My site is my space to write and express myself. Rightly or wrongly, I do that better w/an audience of strangers than people I deal w/on a day to day basis. My site is intimate and personal and raw and @ times as real as I can be. The joy you may have in "finding" it spoils all of that and if I think about it too hard, it makes me want to stop writing or @ least shut this site down and set up shop elsewhere.

But I won't. Nor will I reverse look you up and start blocking IP addy's right and left or make my site password protected.

I'll pretend that no one I know reads this thing and you can pretend you didn't find my site and if we can agree on that, we can keep chatting.

However…if the urge to "bust" me...if the look on my face as you repeat something back to me is too tempting...if the fun to be had @ outing my own site back to me...all prove to be to great to resist...so be it…I can't stop any of that from happening either.

But I can say w/o a shadow of a doubt, if you do any of the above, I will no longer be stressing out that someone I know is reading my words b/c as far as I'm concerned, you'll no longer exist and going forward you'll be relegated to stranger status which means I'll continue to write as usual.

So if you think about it, either outcome, I still win b/c I'll still write. The risk, however, is on you. Do you continue to enjoy my witty banter in real time or will you now be nothing more than a hit to sitemeter?

Put even simpler: know me in 3D…STOP READING MY SITE NOW!
Keep reading and all you'll ever know is the few paragraphs I post from time to time.

While I kid and jest and joke, I am so very serious about this.

Speaking of fudgsicle, I have the oddest luck when it comes to food.

In the past year I have had 3 occasions where things I have purchased were off. There as the NutriSystem pasta mix that was lacking the flavorings of the mix and only contained...pasta. There was the Lean Cuisine fiasco that resulted in me getting a coupon for a free meal, in spite of being a total doof by asking, "So you guys are going to send me a frozen dinner in the mail?!?!?" [insert quizzical look]

And then there was last week...

The last time my hair was this short, I was slapped on the ass by a strange man wearing a mask and cried out to my momma for help.

188.4lbs

"You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

This week has been very emotionally trying, for no reason in particular I s'pose, just a bunch of things happening back to back to back and I'm a bit tired. Mostly to get it all out of my head, I'll jump right in on one majorly minor stressor and what impact it's been having on me.

I had a hard drive crash and the woman I spoke to told me there was a chance I can get it repaired so I had hope. Then I talked to the tech and first words out his mouth was, "Oh well your screwed, when can I bring the new system?" and when I sounded, sad I guess, he was like, "Aww you sound sad, why is that?"

If I could've reached thru the phone and choke him real good, I would've.

Anyway I was just about to resign myself to the lost data and asked him to do his best when he came over. When he did, and I dunno, it could be b/c I'm a pretty sarcastic person by nature, we were kind of clowning around and dare I say, and I COULD BE VERY WRONG, but he may have been…GAHHHHHHH I don't even want to say it, [small voice]flirting???[/small voice]

And all thru my head I'm thinking, dude can't you see? I am FAT!! I don't have long str8 flowing hair? I have a deformed ear, I had to sit and login and he stood behind me. And I thought for sure when he sees those things, he'll do like most guys who hear my voice first then see me do, get cold.

But, he didn't and it freaked me out.

I made a mistake.

I thought I picked up Spaghetti w/Meat Sauce both for Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers this week. What was to have been an epic food battle has now turned into a food review.

There I am, on my way to lunch STARVING and smelling someone else's food, smelled like KFC which always smells so great till I bite into the chicken. Sadly it never quite tastes as good as it smells. Anywayz, I am a good 2 secs away from Boy am I hungry! to If I don't eat my lunch RIGHT NOW, hunger will overtake me and drive my ass over to Subway which according to my debit card statement...I haven't throttled a Sandwich Artiste since 2/22.

I was one-eyed peeking @ the pudge pics, hard as it is to believe, I don't look @ them when I transfer them to the computer, I *see* them b/c they are in front of me and I must crop them down to size but I have a very detached way of viewing them. The other night, fresh on the front page and before I had a chance to get my selective eyesight in place, I saw them for real.

I can see a bit of diff between the day 1 back and day 94 back. I thought I was making it up that my black pants were starting to fit looser but I grudgingly admit, there is some reduced pudge in the abdomen/hip/buttocks zone.

It's quite hard for me to be overly enthused about being 187, don't get me wrong, I'm way happier than being 194, but the thing is, I was 169. It's gonna take many many many more weeks to go by for me to be genuinely cheery about my weight.

I'm happy, but it's reserved. I s'pose it's why I've been looking for my victories elsewhere. The slack fit in the thigh is a good one, or if I can get 4 buttons closed by day 120 that'll be huge.

I don't want to take away from the progress I'm making b/c I know it's better to go down than up, but until I get to my mental magic #, all weight loss enthusiasm till then is very measured. Plus, having done this for um, well, a few years now, I'll hit a downward trend then creep back up, so while I'm looking @ 187, I guess till I hit goal, there'll always be a part of me that is clinging to hope for dear life, praying that this day won't be the day that starts the spiral back to gaining weight.

Hey, so since I don't currently cook, I don't have many recipes to share. I do have my feeble flavoring enhancements, like my cottage cheesy pasta for frozen dinners, but here's a dessert I swear by.

Step 1) Take a banana.

Ah yes…these are exciting times in the Renee corporation. Quarter 1 has ended, the 4 week challenge has ended, some lbs have vacated the premises. A new quarter, which takes me thru Spring into early Summer, has began. Another challenge is on tap and every exercise routine I'm doing is showing increases across the board.

As w/most things I do, it's not for the faint of heart but I made a public pledge to kick my own ass from now till the end of June, so I can't slow down now. By the way, I'm revising the original goal. I planned to be @ 179 by the end of June, now I'm going for 175, it's still a modest 1lb loss per week from now to then but w/going over my 4lbs in 4 weeks last month, I'm a bit ahead of the game. Gotta keep it challenging over @ headquarters.

Firstly a brief recap: Q1 started lackluster, nosedived to rockbottomville by the middle and started making a turn in the right direction towards the end. By the final 30 days I was a bit all over the place as I was solely concerned w/getting my workouts done by any means necessary. Sure I had a plan I was following but not strictly. More times than not, I'd find myself doubling up a missed routine or "making up" a day. But it got done and left me some energy to focus on going to bed early so I could wake up @ insane AM and get my cardio done in the morning.

In Q2 I'm going back to perfection, but not in a rigid way. I just want be more consistent about doing my cardio in the AM. If I need to, now that I've gotten over my fear, I can run in the PM. I also want to keep eating cals reigned in the 1500-1600 range. More on food later this week or next week.

Q2 will also be emotionally stressful. I'm going to see my momma in a few weeks, My auntie is moving, I'm getting ready to move, a few holidays will be thrown in for good measure oh and the heat, the #!^%$ hotness, of the ATL has returned, BUT, I am focused. I have my eyez on a larger prize and I made a pledge I damn well intend to keep.

That said, let's take a look @ what I have in store for Q2 to melt away the fat.

Q2 Goals
- Lose 10-12.5lbs (3-4lbs a month)
- Lose 3% body fat (1% a month)
- Reduce BMI 1.5 pts (.5pts a month)
- Walk/Run 175 miles (15 miles a week)
- 100oz H2O daily
- Resting ♥ rate @ 75 bpm

For the record, whoever said, in response to a massive gain in a short time, "Oh the 5lbs you pack on quickly can be lost just as quickly" is a #!^%$@%$^%$#@%$^%#!@%$ LIAR.

That is all.

"This is your time here, to do what you will do. Your life is now." - John Mellencamp

Have you ever wondered, Hmmm...I wonder what Renee's back fat looked like on day 28.

Or,

Hmmm...What I really wanna know is just how deep was that right side crease on day 42?

Or how about,

Hmmm...Could I ever find a way to compare her left side on day 18 vs. day 62?

Oh...my curious, yet demanding, little friend, you can...you totally can.

Analyzing my first 2 playlists may cause one, not you of course you're way to open minded, to wonder. Where's the R&B? The Rap? The Funk? One, again not you, may also do a double take to see if the girl in the above pic just has a hella heavy tan or is she really a black chick.

I assure you, I am.

A black chick that is.

I just have, how shall I say? Very eclectic music taste.

I have never known what side of the shape tree I come from. Apple? Pear? Kiwi? That was until recently when I saw the shapes brought to life in .gif format. Oh the power of the .gif, is there anything you can not do?

4 weeks ago I posted a plea for a buddy in the weight loss thing. W/all that was going on I needed the external oomph b/c I was starting to have doubts. I ended up snagging 5 other peeps and off we went on a mission to each lose 4lbs in 4 weeks, donate $5 a week to charity and check in daily about our day.

There were emotionally trying times in the last month. Cookie & pizza temptations, a baby was born, someone got sick and a family member took ill. Along the way we kvetched, laughed, drooled over Kiefer & Clive *ahem*, cheered each other on and picked each other up when down.

The week I maintained I told the group someone would have to lose a 1b for me, and they did! They really helped me get my mojo back and while our losses varied, I can happily say we all ended in the negative.

After a lackluster 3rd week where I maintained, I challenged us all to finish big loser style in the final week. That was also the week where every day I came home, I was tempted to not workout. I kept not waking up @ insane AM, but I hit the gym in the PM sorta for me, but mostly for them. Not only that, but I did 2 things I never thought I'd do.

"Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him." – Aldous Huxley

187.6lbs

"There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way." - Christopher Morley

Fixing some minor site stuff tonight, layout may get broken from time to time the rest of the night. Added back contact page and a brand new About Me page. In the meantime, join my newly created Frappr group.

ALL stats & logos have been updated.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel a bit bummed, not @ the #'s they are sloooowly going down. It's the unbuttonable tight blue jeans.

Oh well. Gonna bust my ass for day 120 where the goal is to be able to close 4 of the 5 buttons. Cripes.

"If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out." - Arthur Koestler

Someone just shot me an email saying the podcast for the last 3 days sounded garbled, which is right around the time I switched mics. Apparently it sounds that way on both itunes and directly from my site, but it sounds find on my end so I'm confused

Before I do any radical tinkering, can someone do me a favor, check out any one of these 3 podcasts and let me know if it sounds garbled to you too. (Please disregard my mumbling, rapid speech, repetitive "ums", "ahs", and "you knows", those things are a given )

Day 27/100 (6:19 mins/5.9MB)
Day 26/100 (6:42 mins/6.2MB) or
Day 25/100 (22 secs/350kb)

Gracias!

update @ 10:45 - Ok, another report of a prob, if the next person who checks and also has probs can tell me what exactly what is wrong. Is the file is not downloading? Is the sound is very distorted or is it dead air? That'll help me narrow down what I need to trouble shoot. Oh and if you've been listening for a while and only had probs in the last few days, let me know that too. Gracias again!

update @ noon on 4/8 - I reposted those 3 shows and have been told now they sound fine. It's prolly how I FTPed the files not the mic, so if anyone has that dead air/distortion sound today, let me know. It shouldn't be the case, so happy listening

I read the comments from yesterday and rather than chime in for the sake of chiming in, what you all shared was moving enough to stand on its own and I thank each of you for what you wrote.

Ok, I try not to be all deep two posts, much less two days, in a row, but Alice left a comment yesterday and part of it said:

I have always wanted to shave my head, to free myself from all of it, the worry and time and thought of it at all, and you know why I don't? Because I have a big birthmark across my head that my hair covers, and I'm too chicken to deal with it, and there you go, that's difficult for me to own up to.

That really touched me. I started to write this entry 2 weeks ago and it's a bit dated, but I don't want to edit to make it current since I want the sentiment to stay.

I'd feel like a bit of a phony if I didn't continue a thought pattern that I got too chickenshit to share, so *deep breath* here goes.

********

On my right ear, I have a keloid. If you never heard that word or have never seen one, you'll have to google it.

It's around that time I must take out my braids and I've been debating what style to do next, I've had micro braids, macro braids, kinky twists in black and auburn, short braids and long braids, but what I really yearn for is cornrows. Oh I've had those too, but due to the keloid, I forced the braider to do it in creatively awkward styles all in an effort to hide it.

And part of me is ready to stop.

In some format or another I've done my best to hide it, but in recent years, as I've been making various life transitions, it's one of the final pieces of self acceptance. In order to cross the bridge of self hate and shame over towards love and being okay w/what I look like, I must deal w/it.

I s'pose I have to give the backstory on how it formed and a bit of history about it don't I?

"Don't postpone joy." - Bumper Sticker

On this site in particular, I try my damndest to stay away from politics, both overt and subtle, but being run by a real person, therefore an extension of me, it's very hard not to let my biases, my anger, or my criticism show thru.

More times than not, what I usually end up doing, is joking or poking fun @ stuff. But sometimes beneath the biggest joke is my deepest hurt. It's why I get Chris Rock. His jokes are some of the funniest things I ever heard of what must have been some of the most painful times in his life. For every laughing Chris Rock there are a hundred to a thousand others crying real tears over the same pain.

Cutting my hair, as fearful and liberating as it feels, is also dangerously political and not in a good way. I realized, my chances of scoring a say high profile job interview has been pretty much squandered, and before anyone thinks, "What's the big deal? It's just hair. I've seen women w/braids, w/dreads, w/afros. It was nothing." 10 years ago wearing braids in corporate America was a big NO NO much less dreads.

When choice words like the below are spewed on the most popular Atlanta AM radio station by one of the most popular Atlanta radio hosts about a fairly prominent politician, Houston we have a problem.

BOORTZ: For instance, or for goodness sakes, jump in and I'm gonna say -- I'm gonna start out with something controversial. I saw Cynthia McKinney's new hair-do. Have you seen it, Belinda?

SKELTON: No.

BOORTZ: She looks like a ghetto slut.

SKELTON: Well, how is it?

BOORTZ: No, it's not braided. It just flies away from her head in every conceivable direction. It looks like an explosion in a Brillo pad factory. It's just hideous. To me, that hairstyle just shows contempt for -- no, it's not an Afro. I mean, no, it just shows contempt for the position that she holds and the body that she serves in. And, I'm sorry, there's just no other way to -- it's just a hideous and horrible looking --

BOORTZ: She looks like Tina Turner peeing on an electric fence.

(bold emphasis is mine. you can read more insightful commentary on this subject if you wish.)

It's not just him, it's also the breed that his kind spawns. How can a human being say something so hateful about another human being who simply happens to have been born of a different race? I don't get it.

Interestingly enough, a scant 3 weeks ago I remember hobbling around. Struggling to lift my legs. This week? Nada. I put my thighs thru a hell session on Sunday.

Monday they were like, "Is that all you got? Hrmph!"

And my feet were like, "Quiet you."

And my hands curled up in a ball and shook their fists @ my thighs and were like, "Why I oughta."

And my brain sighed, rolled it's eyes and was like, "You wonder why you're single? How old are you again?"

And my heart softly sobbed.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Malachy McCourt

Sore + pain in = Renee out today

Back tomorrow.

Now that the sweat beads have no where to hide…

...they've found a new home. My t-shirt...

Oh, but that's not big picture, b/c you must see the big picture to fully appreciate what it is I'm trying to convey.

Have you ever heard of True Lemon®? or True Lime® for that matter? Am I the only one who hasn't heard of these things? Man I need to get out more.

Anyhoo, I was sent a box of each by Holly, hiya Holly!, to sprinkle on my veggies. Holly musta read my entry where I admit to slathering my veggies in the sauce of my frozen foods dinners. Hey, it's the only way I can get them down my gullet. So today I cracked open a packet which for my fellow # crunchers I'm pleased to tell you contains 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 carbs and 0 protein, it does have 25% of Vitamin C though oh and no sweeteners.

According to the back of the box it's a crystallized lemon substitute for use in water (yum!) tea (thank Zeus they didn't say sweet tea else I'd be in a coma) and recipes.

But there are other creative uses for it, you can use it in place of salt, rub it on fish, meat or chicken, sprinkle it on salads and veggies and add it to olive oil for salad dressing. Since 1 packet = 1 tablespoon, I grabbed a few packets, being calorie free helps, to sprinkle on my plain (eek!) broccoli and well…

Oh that wily fatfighterblogs.com is @ it again. Giving away stuff and whatnot. Read all about it, enter to get a bonus ticket, then put your thinking caps and/or reading glasses on to get 2 more tickets in the next two weeks.

reneegetsfit.com, never one to be left out, will also have a giveaway when that one is done. Oh April, the month of losing an hour, Spring showers and free stuff

I'm still plugging away in redesign hell. If you happened upon the site yesterday and hit refresh every minute w/in a 10 minute span I'm sure the site looked totally different 10 frickin' times.

As of now, all the major blog pages are done and I'll be back to my regular jabber this week. Boy oh boy do I have some tales to tell. I still have a few glitches to make right and caught a few more this morning after viewing it w/fresh eyes. Once I get the entire blog back, I'll bring back the easier pages like contact and my fitness toys page. I'll even add a new about me page b/c it's just about damn time you all know who I am Oh and the comment notify check box is working again. Strange, it got disabled @ some point.

I'm mucho pleased w/the front page, it loads hella quick. Okay not as quick if I'd remove ½ the stuff but much quicker than before. To make that happen I had to make a few executive decisions.

Comments on the front page now pop up in a separate window and to "read more" takes you to the entry page. I know, I know, you were spoiled w/the easy to click drop down. But you know I can be quite wordy and w/5-8 entries each hundreds of words plus all the comments a site like this attracts, I mean I'm no dooce.com...

...but, hey those 1-2 comments per entry adds up ya kno

And I retired about 50 smilies, the majority of them are never used anyway. Still standing are my favorite guys (and one gal) ...

and the common , and faces show up if you type the right characters. Get schooled if you must.

So I hope those minor changes won't scare anyone away, but if it does, ahhh hell...take some time away and come back Friday, the pudge pics have always been a crowd favorite and I'm bringing them back.

Just for you

189.6lbs