Hey all,

I'm just about ready to get back online, I've avoided my two weight loss sites b/c I needed to step back and decompress. There is so much going on and it'll be a mess to try to write it all out. I may talk it out later this week.

There's been no weighing in, no measuring, no picture taking since my last post. I really got to a pretty dark emotional place and just needed some time to get myself together and not just referring to weight. That's why those measures of me were pretty low on my priority list.

Alls I know is I'm ready to get back to being Renee. That step encompasses more than losing weight. For almost 6 years now, I've dropped out of my own life. I let a bad relationship derail me and spent most of that time being hurt, angry and depressed. Shure on the surface I appeared fine, but then again, maybe I didn't.

I let myself go in more ways than just weight and the more I slid backwards, the angrier I got and the less I cared and the further I slid.

There's much to be done to get my direction back, but the one thing I learned in my "away time" it's my life and I'm the only one that gets to live it.

I also learned, I need to be solidly focused on me. I've been lurking @ a blog where this guy got himself into a boatload of trouble. Comment after comment called him all sorts of names, questioned his marriage and basically laughed their ass off @ his predicament. Yet post after post, he came back w/the same optimistic outlook, never explained or defended his actions and is basically doing what he needs to do.

I don't know if it's a woman thing…an overweight thing…and insecure thing…but comparing him to me, I'd be the complete opposite. I'd recoil from the name calling, constantly explain why my hubby (were I married) and I were in fact doing okay and resent people kicking me when I was done.

Then it hit me, that is so much wasted energy isn't it? I can't say I'll change overnight and co-opt a devil may care attitude while suppressing the desire to help others, even when my own life is falling apart. It'll be a huge effort. It was just such a freeing thought and concept, I'm open & willing to giving it a try.

I will be sure to reply to the comments of my farewell post and if you wrote me offline, I'll reply to that too (By the way Q, I see you weren't able to comment here, I fixed that!)

It'll be dicey if I get a chance to post again this week, but I plan to get back to my daily blog on Sunday and will share more stories I've been suppressing and if I haven't talked it thru by then I'll tell y'all what my mom said that really hurt my feelings, why my birthday depressed me & set the ball in motion of spriraling out of control, a bad shopping experience, coming to terms w/me as I am, the WNTW show & how it's giving me hope and lastly how Callie the Kitten is driving me batshit crazy!!!

Thanks for reading...and caring...

In one form or another, I've been blogging pretty much non-stop since 2001. Add to the fact that I've been "trying" to lose weight for 5 years and am about 40lbs heavier, I'm truly @ a loss for words.

The week leading up to my bday was pretty crappy, week of my bday was still crappy and the week following my bday has been the worst of the year. Having spilled my guts on this site in the past and basically been told to get over myself, I'm too gun-shy to get into what's going on. I'm just so very tired.

For almost a year now I've lost control of things in my life and after promise and promise of what I'm going to get done when and publicly failing, I can't do it anymore. As for the fatfighters challenge, I'm moving that to the spark site.

While I will be back, no promises on when I'll be back to a regular schedule. In the interim, I'd happily post pics of the new kitten, but I can't even muster up the energy to get the flicks off my camera.

Back soon. - Renee

It wasn't enough to go and poke a kitten, I somehow managed to get one stuck on my finger and well, brought her back home. Ladies and Gent, I present you 6 week old Cali Raya:

You can call her Cali, when she's being naughty I reserve the right to call her by her full name, "Cali Raya [insert Renee's last name here], you stop that right now!"

She's a sweetie pie and yes the daughter of the famous Maggie...

...and baby sister of the 6 month old Bad Boy Mykah...

...but mostly, my new furkid, or shall I say furbaby as I've spent the last few nights, feeding, wiping her butt and consoling her fear of human hands.

*sigh*

The stars are aligned, my DSL is up, the pics are up on time and thankyoulord it's only an hour show recap. Seriously NBC, save 2 hour shows for the intro and the extro. Anything more is overkill.

Let's get to the show:

They recap last weeks day @ the beach. Combined, both teams have lost 356lbs lost…or they lost an entire Ken...heh

They show 14 @ the ranch, 36 online…hey…can they count me as one of the online contestants? Heck, why not count all us weight loss bloggers as online contestants?

Show starts, Trainer Bob is jetting up the steps. He sees Texas Tiffany is gone, that Bob is so observant. Tonight his mul-hawk looks a bit better, not as scruffy.

Alabama Melinda feels she must step it up, ie lose more weight or her ass is outta there.

Dammit, perky Trainer Kim is on the premises. Red Team is going play a game...rut-oh.

She's talking to them about buffets, while Bob takes his gang (wouldn't that make Blue Team the Crips and Kim's the Bloods?) outside.

Both teams are going on a cruise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *yawn*

Red team slides down the hill in joy. They look united.

Bob croons the theme song to the love boat. Shut your mul-hawk Bob.

He wants to show them going on a vacay doesn't = a vacay from exercise and diet. Is he talkin' to me? *hmph*

Last time on a cruise, Indiana Pam (why does that sound like cooking spray…oh…right) gained 7lbs. Not w/Trainer Kim in the hizouse.

StTWA, in black *shank*, is here.

Do they really need her hosting them on the cruise? Methinks she's a stowaway.

Bob puts his team thru a grueling circuit. Gawd his hair is gruesome looking.

Trainer Kim put her peeps in the pool.

I am wearing a pair of size 16 pants that are so tight, my mid section overlaps, like muffin top. All the while, the leg areas are so tight; my thighs look like sausage casings. Couple all that w/the succulent fat, what more can any man want?

I sez, what more can any many want?

::singing::

Today...is a special day...a day where everything will go my way...it's my birthday...it's my birthday...it's my birthday...it's my birthday.

::singing::

I'm not a huge fan of talking about my own bday, but who am I to deprive y'all of a chance to...hee...I called my mom to get the exact time of my birth so I could post this entry to the exact moment, but I can't wait that long!!!

Apparently I was birthed a little after lunch. She had some stomach pains, but couldn't believe she was going into labor, went to my uncles house to have lunch, stomach kept hurting, went to the hospital and less than an hour later I was born. I always knew I was an easy going kinda chick, now I learn I gave my mom an easy going kinda birth.

I have more to say, about this day and what's going on w/me in general, but for now, I'll just sing...

::it's my birthday...it's my birthday...it's my birthday...it's my birthday::

"Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time wasted in disapproving of others." - Anonymous