Not weight. Not body fat. Not inches. Damn near my mind. And it all started w/the scale.
All last week, the daily weigh-ins were leaving me in a grumpy mood, but not too grumpy, I was figuring any day now I'll see a big whoosh drop. The day I expected the whoosh to kick in, it didn't and I was on my way to having a maintain or even a gain from the week before. I saw red.
Saturday AM, I glimpsed 189, but it wasn't official, so I just filed it away. Sunday AM I saw 191 and all hell broke loose. But not so much hell as the dam that was holding back pent up emotions just caved and I spent the entire 3 day weekend in bed. Sleeping. Too tired to get up to do much more than I had to, then I slept again.
The emotions ran the gamut.
It prolly carried over from the week before feeling angry @ my aunt and feeling blackmailed into doing something for her on Saturday I truly didn't want to do. The only saving grace was I had a 3 day weekend so I could afford the extra day, but still. I had my own plans.
Then it was the cat that has recently developed a habit of waking me up @ 3AM by walking across my head wanting to get under the covers w/me. But we have to make a game of it. If I hold up the blanket, she just stands there and looks @ me. So I have to tease her w/my fingers then she snuggles next to me and purrs loudly. Till I move a inch. Then she flies off the bed and 5 minutes later is back to play this stupid game. That left me feeling extremely sleep deprived and tired all week.
Then it was something that felt silly @ first, but as the week passed, I felt more and more hurt. I had sent out a message of my current notoriety on the radio and in O magazine to some people I know and by the middle of the week I realized, not one person said a word about it. That hurt me deeply. These are the same people I did a lot to cheer them on @ various points in their lives and tried acknowledge any special event that came their way and while in recent months having my own personal upheavals, I haven't been able to keep up w/everyone, it really hurt that not one person replied.
Then it was a combination of nearing some milestones. Pudge Pic #100, Daily Activity #50 and mile #100, in spite of the scale, I'm making progress on one end. Yet deep down I sabotage myself when I'm doing too good. I just froze up.
Then there is some internal pressure I put on myself. I hated missing doing weights mid week last week and my OCD mind kicked into overdrive about doing a "make up" day. Then I missed Saturday's gym being out w/my godson, another "make up" day and I went a bit crazy plotting how I'm going to fit in all these missed days and suddenly things turned from being a light and fun personal challenge to hard work. That's usually the exact point I stop working out and eating right.
Well not that point. It starts when my water peters off, (it did on Sunday) then it continues when I stop taking vitamins (I didn't take any yesterday) then I make an excuse as to why I can't work out mid week (I started thinking them up late last night) and why not just wait till next Sunday, but by that day, I suddenly feel I'm too out of shape and hate that I have to start over then I just stop.
Then seeing the scale say 193 yesterday all hell broke loose and I said fugg this. If I'm going to gain weight working out 6 days a week eating whole foods and fruits, I'm gonna gain weight the right way, pigging out. So I went to Captain D's who's been tempting me w/pasta bowls and I love seafood and I got food w/no clue as to how long it would last. I just got what I wanted to eat. Ate some and went back to bed.
But when I really lost it, when I felt that's it, I give the fuck up, was when I got a random comment on the fatfighterblogs.com site that basically said, "stop w/the lectures on the benefits of health and fucking tell me how to lose weight already". Oh did I let that heifer have it, offline.
She wrote back saying I hurt her feelings and she didn't mean it personal, but what I said was personal and hurt her feelings. And of course, I felt awful. I mean part of me is pissed, sites are actually run by people w/feelings so whether or not she meant it to be personal, she just happened upon the site and has NO CLUE how many incarnations of it I've been thru trying to both educate and motivate and how many challenges I've run that never went anywhere and how much free stuff I've given away all to be met w/crickets.
But still I felt bad b/c that's not the person I want to be and it's not really for her to know all that and I was really lashing out @ her b/c I was mad @ my ownself. So I wrote her back and apologized and went back to bed.
I sulked and stewed for most of the afternoon and the excuses to skip working out were coming fast and furiously. Sometime later in the day I just decided for the duration of my 6 week challenge, I'm not going to record my daily or weekly weight. I'm going to continue eating clean and made a menu plan for weekday and weekend eats. I opened the window so the cat could go outside and play and stay out of my hair and I just decided I'm not going to feel obligated to be there 100% for everyone else to the point that I have nothing left for me.
A long time ago I found a great writer, it wasn't a blog, her site was on geocities and I wrote her a heartfelt email on how I related to what she said and was going through, she never responded. Not sure what I expected her to say back, perhaps she never got my note, but I remember thinking when I have a weight loss site, I will make sure and reply to everyone who writes, even if it's to say thanks for the email, but I'm going to take that pressure off myself. It's not just site related, it's real life too.
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By nature I'm a depressed person. That being the case, I work extremely hard to see the brighter side, find the nugget of hope, make the best of a situation. I'd say I'm 85% optimistic 15% deep dark depressive. For the most part, the 85% rules and can beat back the 15%, then I have weekend like last weekend where no matter how hard I try, the 15% dominates and I feel like I am out to sea and caught in an undertow and sinking fast.
I made it back to the surface much faster this time than I have in the last year. Usually I succumb and 2 months later, in a hazy stupor of refined carbs and sloth wonder what happened as I dust myself off to begin again. This time it lasted about 2 days and this morning the 85% was present again, and I went to the gym.
Putting away the scales, I got another one (another story for another day), protecting myself from helping others too much @ my own expense, learning it's okay to be selfish and @ the end of the day the person either forgot or doesn't really care that I said no to them, are what's helping me now.
I've always been an idealist, believer in one for all and all for one, that if I have the collective we has too, despite the fact that every single thing I've seen in the world tells me otherwise it's a me me me society, I'm just hardwired to believe that. But I think this is the stage of my life where I believe that a little less. Where I don't share that side of me w/any old person that says Hi. That I pick and choose who I want to invest time in. That I don't have to be there 100% for anyone other than me and be okay w/not trying to save the world.
This is the weekend I may have lost it, but I also grew up.
