I have absolutely no idea what loving myself means. Sure on a literal level, I get it. Love yourself. Fine. But on a practical level, I'm twiddling my thumbs on today, day 2 of 30 days of love.
Challenge me to do something physical, say run, no problem. Tell me to look myself square in the eye and really see what the mirror reflects, I feel like I will literally die.
Yesterday and today I did a feeble, positive affirmation, in my head. Later in the month, I have ideas of various things I can treat myself too, like manicures, a facial etc, but they seem so superficial. I'm not sure how I even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about myself.
Thinking through it today, I realized, it was far easier for me to want a guy who my intuition told me from day 1, was all wrong for me, to say he loved me so I could coo it back to him. How could I even utter those words to a stranger, when I can't say it to myself about myself?
I guess if I end the month doing nothing more than being more mindful of my negative chatter that would be a good thing. I also realize, b/c I don't want attention, b/c I don't want to be hurt, b/c it's easier to be judged when I'm "temporarily" fat b/c when I'm judged while I'm skinny, it's way too much pressure so being fat means no one has expectations, I can just fade into the background, that it made it easier for me to stop caring in general. First I let the small things slide, now it feels like everything is out of control.
If I really truly *loved* myself, deep down I know this, not only wouldn't I abuse myself in the various methods I do, I won't tolerate ½ the shit I do, that I only allow b/c I feel I deserve to be treated poorly or I'm not worthy of respect, which makes my eyes sting w/tears just to write, much less think out loud and publically admit.
So I guess as petty and superficial as the manicure and facial may seem, maybe those tiny steps back to myself, will spur the inside to match how the outside looks.
I really dunno y'all. @ this point, I'm just winging it. This is painful.
Comments: 12
02.01.07 | Alice commented: I don't think those things are petty at all...IF YOU ENJOY THEM. Remember to take time to really enjoy them - if they feel like "work" then you're not "pampering yourself" - that can mean anything, to watching lots more movies (which I know you love! 
) or reading really good books or whatever.
One thing that helped me SO MUCH is to NAME that voice in my head. Yeah, I know it's really me, but to name it something else, and realize that it is separate from you is quite empowering. Then you can say "shut up, you" when "it" speaks, and it's not telling YOURSELF to shut up, if that makes sense.
Another thing I like to do every few months is draw a self portrait. It doesn't have to be "good" either - I'm no artist. This tells me what is most important in my mind at the moment, what is affecting me - do I feel silenced? Sad? Happy? Hopeful?
Anyway, these are some things that have helped me and maybe you can use something there. We're all here rooting for you!! 
02.01.07 | Una commented: This month I'm having my first ever manicure. Why not before now? No idea. Just never felt I needed to have one, I'm not girly enough. That said, I'm told that 60 minutes of relaxation that I'll feel is better than the final product. I'm going to do my best to enjoy it. Though I don't feel I'm worthy of it, either.
I found it really interesting that you feel invisible/hidden when you're carrying some weight. I feel the complete opposite. When I'm big, I feel like I'm enormous, with flashing lights all over me.
There's a lot to love in you, Renee. Chip away and find it all 
02.01.07 | itchy commented: Great, honest post. I (who have been overweight my whole life) JUST realized the other day that my goals and dreams for my healthy & fit self (hopefully coming soon) are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than my dreams and goals for my normal (read: currently fat) self. I am a VERY strong person emotionally, yet I know that my current way of living would be completely unacceptable if I got ahold of my weight. Oprah says the one thing she regretted in her life was being overweight for so many years. It got in the way of what she really wanted - it was a distraction. I can totally relate.
02.02.07 | Debbi commented: I love this post, Renée, the honesty and bluntness of it. I was going to Overeaters Anonymous during the period of time when working on your 'inner child' was THE thing to do, and I was completely put off by it. It's difficult for me to say positive affirmations to myself. Alice's idea sounds like a good one. I might even give the positive voice a name, and then ask my husband (who is a shrink) to integrate the three of us. Heh.
02.02.07 | Shirley commented: The rewards are an important part of your progress - don't think of them as petty. Giving yourself a reward no matter how small is a way of acknowledging your achievement.
Have youe been taking measurements such as waist, thigh, body fat percentage? These are more accurate guides to your progress than weight. I started an exercise and weight loss programme, and in the first three weeks I gained 1kg - but I had actaully lost 10% of my body fat and 5cms around my waist. See the story on my blog http:www.be-slim-be-fit.blogspot.com So the scale can be misleading
02.02.07 | jodi commented: i've always been one to take care of others and put their feelings, goals, etc. ahead of mine... but i learned the hard way and realized, its not healthy... its hard to 'love' yourself w/out feeling selfish but it shouldn't be looked as a negative thing... self-happiness affects everything in your life - friends, family, job, hobbies - its pretty amazing... read some new books, go to dinner by yourself, try a new gym class, take a mini-vacation, organize a closet or room in your house... be creative... :o)
02.02.07 | a.m. commented: One book I read says to respond to the negative self-talk with a positive affirmation, every time there is any. One of the affirmations is: I accept my body as it is today and allow it to become even healthier and more beautiful. The book is Lit from Within by Victoria Moran, and it could probably give you some ideas if you need them about exercises for this 30 day period.
02.03.07 | honi commented: You are absolutely right Renee it is going to be very hard to say... I love you to yourself.. This post so hit home with me. I have always put everyone else ahead of me.. I have always felt hidden beneath all of this fat.. even as painful as it has been in hindering relationships.. hindering my self worth.. I have never been able to set myself free. I am trying again.. I hope I can succeed.. the first step in succeeding.. is coming to terms with who you are.. Are you the obese person in the mirror (me) or are you someone else not defined by poundage... thats the person I want to be.. the one not defined by my size.. I was very good at keeping people at bay.. never letting them get close enough to see who I was really...Self effacing humor was mine. I would make fun of myself before anyone had a chance too. That is not good... So here I am at 44 years old.. battling the same thing.. and now its time.. its time to set myself free.. looking in the mirror or saying something positive about yourself to yourself and really meaning it.. takes courage because you are destroying whatever past image you have had of yourself.. I believe if we keep saying the positive about ourselves.. recognizing the good in each of us.. pampering ourselves in ways we genuinely enjoy.. at least once a week devoting time to ourselves... I think it can be done.. I think we can learn to love ourselves.. for the truely unique and wonderful individuals we are.
Have a great weekend
02.04.07 | Karine commented: I've just discovered your blog and I love it. Keep up the great work, it is so very worth it. On this particular subject I would like to tell you to just give time some time. Last year at this time, I was exactly where you are right now, dissapointed with myself, not knowing who I really was, where I was headed, I had self esteem but could not truly say I loved myself. I knew it was all related to being 115 lbs overweight. I just felt totally emprisonned and suffocated. I knew there was more to life and to myself so although I couldn't feel the love, I decided it was too painful being where I was and decided it was time to change. I didn't even believe I could really change but I put myself on auto pilot and decided I was gonna stick to my new found fitness and healthy eating no matter what. One year later I've lost 70 lbs, and I don't even recognize my life. By taking care of myself on a daily basis I started believing that I was worth it, I started enjoying the time I was spending alone with myself and I grew stronger, more patient, forgiving and gentle with myself to the point where I can honestly say I love you to myself. It will happen as you continue to put yourself first, that's inevitable and really is the best feeling in the world. You will love it, it'll make you feel unstoppable and you will so trust in your future. I promise. Take care
Karine
02.04.07 | Ms Takez commented: It is so hard. I like myself, I almost always have, but I was shocked to realize a while back that I don't quite love myself. One of my New Year's resolutions is to love my body exactly as it is. I think I'll need to come up with one for my Self as well.
I'm trying to show my love with good tasting, healthy food I cook at home, more sleep, & lots of yoga, which feels like love to my body.
"Rewarding" myself with crap food use to be how I thought I was showing love, & look what it's gotten me.
I'm not sure how to show love to my Self. Something to talk over with my therapist. I love myself enough to shell out for the therapy that helps me move away from depression & misery. It's working. It's a start.
02.05.07 | Renee commented: Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful feedback and other points of view. I have something in mind to get thru this challenge. It's a bit off the beaten path, but then again, so is most everything I think up.
Besides, it's only 30 days, I can give it a go. I'll post an update @ the end of the month.
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You're doing some painful and worthwhile work this month, Renee.
Once I finally realized that I deserved the work necessary to be healthy and fit, everything just fell into place. But I had to tell myself that I was for along time before I believed it... I guess you could call it positive affirmations... saying it in my head, and in the mirror. It did eventually work for me.
You deserve it too...