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Hiya
January 12, 2006 by Renee @ 10:50 AMI'm not one to celebrate a blogiversary, which I technically should've celebrated on 12/28, but I emotionally feel it should be on 1/22. In any case, after a year of this I think it's time we've been formally introduced.
I'm Renee and I'll be your blogger for the rest of the year.
Posting pictures of my gut overlapping bikini bottoms? No problem. Posting pictures of my face? I'm hyperventilating.
Continue reading HiyaAlways rejection
November 03, 2005 by Renee @ 10:10 AMSometimes I dream. And in the dream I'm either yelling @ someone or shouting about something. It's so real, when I wake up, my throat is throbbing. Could be symbolic for stifling my words.
Lately I've been feeling that. Many posts I've started only to save as draft or out and out delete. I know the gist of what I want to express, I just either can't get the words to make sense or it ends up being 11 pages long.
This week has been an aggravating week, for no real reason. I'm always tense @ the end of month/start of new month, but this week had added drama. So I'd start to write about it, get scared and change the topic. On paper. Inside the issues were still bubbling and the more I avoided talking about it, the more resentment I felt and the more I changed the subject.
Continue reading Always rejectionTimes like this
September 29, 2005 by Renee @ 12:32 PMMy site, for better or for worse, turns into a diary. This entry has absolutely nothing to do w/weight, but are some issues & dramas I've dealt w/in the past and am going thru again. It may come across as a crazy ramble, but I can only give so much info. Besides, the details aren't that relevant, it's what this person is doing and how they are making me feel. When I finished typing it out, I felt better, like I had all this air pent up in my chest and it's been released.
It's a bit of an emotional rant, meaning it's all over the place, but I can't edit my emotions for coherence.
Continue reading Times like thisHurt helps
July 31, 2005 by Renee @ 05:58 PMThere is a line in the Batman Begins movie that I absolutely love. Little Brucie Wayne falls down a well and as his father is consoling him he asks, "Why do we fall down?" and then answers, "So we can learn to get back up."
So many times I would convince myself I had moved past something or someone and the moment I was confronted w/that thing or person, I'd cave. I felt it was a punishment of sorts. I didn't see what the real point was.
How could I know for sure for sure I was over it, UNLESS it crossed my path again. Case in point. Say I swear off donuts. So long as I don't encounter donuts, I have a false sense of achievement. But it won't be until the day a plate of donuts is slid under my nose will I really know how over the donuts I really am.
Continue reading Hurt helpsNone but ourselves can free our mind
July 29, 2005 by Renee @ 10:54 AMThere's a story in the NY times about a blogger, Stephanie Klein, who got a $500,000 book deal and will be working on a TV show. In the last week it's set forth a spew of rants about how unworthy she is of such fortunes and how much better deserved other writers, themselves included are, for that money and opportunity.
Comment after comment had me shaking my head. I skimmed her blog and just took it for what it was. What the negative commenters did, was skim her blog too, but they blasted her for what they read. In some instances, she left a response on their site, saying that her book deal didn't "happen" b/c of her blog, she's been working on a book proposal for 6 months and why don't they do the same and maybe something good will come of it.
Yesterday on my way home I heard about story about a guy selling t-shirts that depicted a harsh image of a historical event. A few callers said good on him for bringing the event to the forefront and some wished him well on making money. Others felt he was exploiting the situation and a few called to say what he should make a t-shirt of instead.
One caller in particular felt he should make a shirt showing the before & after effects of drug use and in that moment it hit me in a flash. I giggled @ the absurdity in his demand and actually said back to the radio, "YOU make a shirt like that wiseguy."
I mean really.
Continue reading None but ourselves can free our mindJust be
July 08, 2005 by Renee @ 09:53 AMFor the last 24 hours I've been in a bit of a fog over what happened in London. For the most part I've been trying not to think about it, I'm listening to the news but not actively. Mainly b/c I don't want to remember 9/11. I don't want the vivid details. I don't want to see people running and smoke. I don't want to see wreckage. I don't want a pit in my stomach the size of a grapefruit. I don't want to cry.
I was walking to the break room to get milk and my mind flashed to the people on the train. For an obscene moment I wondered if any who died was a woman, was she overweight? Did she feel guilty for eating too much the night before. Was someone trying to lose weight? Had they taken up running to prevent dying from a disease and then something like this happens?
It's so tragically sad and pointless. The bombings for sure but also having those guilty thoughts of silly things that tend to take over my day. I imagined what if there was a person who otherwise fretted about the minor things in their lives, being snubbed by so and so, arguing over this & thatt, hating themsevles b/c they don't look like "it" celebrity. Or for having cellulite or wrinkles or bad teeth. Did all that really matter in the last few moments.
Or?
Should life be about more. Living to the fullest. Not apologizing. Dreaming big. Asking for what you want. Not being scared. Not stifling one's inner & unique beauty. Not fucking apologizing to anyone for anything that makes one what they truly are.
To find that courage, to take that chance, to be that person, to me, matters more than all the lbs in the world.
Holding back
June 28, 2005 by Renee @ 12:28 PMThere have been so many issues swarming in my head I've got to put it on paper so the wheels can stop spinning.
Continue reading Holding backA diff't kind of struggle
April 14, 2005 by Renee @ 01:44 PMWhen I was my last college I finally settled on a major doing what I loved, Web Design. @ that time dot com was big so most people were there to get their degree on and haul ass to make the mucho bucks. Not me. I loved the coding, the projects, the internet. I spent the entire day @ school and went up on one, sometimes both weekend days.
I loved the computer so much I'd be on it all day in school, go to work @ my part time job designing sites, then come home and unwind on my computer. As the quarters progressed and we got separated from the graphic design people who were on a diff't track, inevitably I'd encounter a bunch of people in my pgm that hated the school. Usually the same pack, different class. I tried to stay away from them. I was cordial but I didn't "hang".
Continue reading A diff't kind of struggleAlways learning
by Renee @ 11:26 AMLast nite I watched Top Model. Now it's so fancy schmancy w/it's rap intro and Cali locale. I haven't watched that show since Season 2 (the year of Camille). No real reason, actually yea there's a reason or two. I got sick of reality TV after Survivor All Stars and The First Apprentice (the year of Omarosa).
Being w/o cable and the fact that I removed ABC, CBS & NBC from my remote (long story) and I'll always be a stone cold addict for Seinfeld and The Simpsons (& I Love Lucy) I only *really* watch TBS and the WB [small voice] and PBS I like Arthur[/end small voice]. Though, once in a blue moon I'll channel hop, all 8 of 'em mind you. So it was on Monday night when I caught the preview of Tyra screaming @ someone, I kept reminding myself to venture up the dial to UPN69 this week.
Continue reading Always learning
